A Letter From Grandma

Clear Thinking on a Tough Subject

“(Love) does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.” (1 Cor. 13:6)

Photo by Álvaro Serrano on Unsplash

A small controversy has cropped up recently about whether or not a Christian should attend the wedding ceremony of a same-sex/transgender couple. In light of last week’s post (see here) about our church’s commitment to be both timeless and timely, I wanted to help us think through this biblically and practically.

This recent dustup began when Pastor Alistair Begg answered a grandmother’s question on his radio program (with several stations dropping his program as a result).

This is what happened:

The grandmother asked, “My grandson is about to be married to a transgender person, and I don't know what to do about this, and I'm calling to ask you to tell me what to do.”

“I asked the grandmother, 'Does your grandson understand your belief in Jesus?' 'Yes.' 'Does your grandson understand that your belief in Jesus makes it such that you can't countenance in any affirming way the choices that he has made in life?' 'Yes.'

"I said, 'Well then, OK. As long as he knows that, then I suggest that you do go to the ceremony. And I suggest that you buy them a gift.'"

So, how should we think about this. Well first, if you disagree with Pastor Begg, you should continue to respect and learn from him. I’ve personally benefited greatly from his ministry, and one error doesn’t cancel out a lifetime of faithful gospel preaching. I’m in no way trying to throw Alistair Begg under the bus, but I want to show love and respect to him as a brother.

On the other hand, if you agree with Begg’s advice, let me offer a gentle push back. I want to push back because I believe this approach to a same-sex/transgender ceremony is deeply misguided. But I want to do so gently, because I know that for many of us this isn’t a hypothetical scenario…it’s a very difficult reality with friends and family. (I’ve personally been not just invited to attend a friend’s same-sex wedding, but actually invited to officiate one! So I know the social pressure of turning down the invitation.)

However, I don’t think it’s wise as Christians to attend a same-sex wedding. It doesn’t hurt our public witness to abstain, in fact, when we respond with both conviction and compassion, with soft hearts and steel spines, we are giving the best public witness possible.

And the reason is really quite simple. Attendance at a wedding is vastly different than other social events. In our modern culture attending a wedding is typically thought of as a party, a time to celebrate and have fun. But as Christians, we know that a wedding, while celebratory, is fundamentally a covenant ceremony and a creation ordinance. So when you attend, you’re not first and foremost a celebrant, but a witness.

When you attend a wedding, you are witnessing the new husband and wife make covenant vows to one another, so you are called to help them and hold them accountable to those vows. (By the way, this is why if you come to me for pre-marital counseling, I’m going to encourage you not to write your own vows). Therefore, to attend a wedding that God would deem an abomination, would be to treat it as if it were valid and legitimate and good. We would “call evil good and good evil” (Isaiah 5:20). As followers of Jesus who seek to love our neighbors, our love shouldn’t “rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth” (1 Cor. 13:6).

So, how should we respond in this very difficult and very personal situation?

Another pastor, Tom Buck, has written a hypothetical pseudo-letter showing how a grandma could write to her transgender grandchild, exuding both compassion and conviction:

Dear sweet granddaughter,

I love you and that will never change. But part of loving you is caring more for your eternal soul than your perceived temporary happiness. I wouldn't be loving you the way Christ calls me to love you if I attend something that celebrates your open rebellion against God, which will lead to His wrath being brought down upon you. Colossians 3:6 says that because of things like sexual immorality, 'the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience.' I love you so much that I want you to be saved from God's wrath. Therefore, I can't participate in a celebration that demonstrates how you deserve it.

You may not see this as love right now because I'm sure my words hurt.

Do you remember the time you ran into the street as a child when cars were coming? I swept you up and spanked you as a reminder to not run into the street. You didn't like that at the time. It hurt you and you weren't real happy with me in that moment. You didn’t speak to me for a little while and that wasn’t easy on a grandmother’s heart. I know my actions didn't feel loving to you in that moment, but they were out of a deeper love for you than you could understand. The pain you experienced was meant to be a warning that if you run in the street you're going to die. Would it have been more loving to watch you run in the street just because you thought it was fun and gave you momentary happiness?

Some will tell you that my absence at this ceremony is a lack of love and shows that I'm just judgmental. Nothing could be further from the truth. As painful as it will be for both of us, my absence is to communicate to you how MUCH I love you. I love you so much that I'm willing to sacrifice some aspects of our temporal relationship for your eternal well-being.

The street you’re about to run into is far more deadly than the one you ran into that afternoon when you were a child. No one would've called me loving if I had just sat there and watched you then. Those people would’ve been right if I had watched you then, and I would be wrong to watch you now. I cannot sit there and watch you play in a far more dangerous street.

I wish I could sweep you up and pull you out of this current street. But you’re no longer a little child; you’re a grown woman and have to make your own choices. But the consequences of running in this current street are far more dangerous than the street you ran into as a child. I can’t sweep you up and pull you out now, but I also can’t sit and just watch you run into oncoming traffic.

I believe my presence could be far more dangerous to you than my absence. I fear that my presence might communicate to you that the street you're playing in isn't as bad as it really is. If this causes a separation between us, my grandmother's heart will hurt. But my love as a Christian grandmother must rise above my familial emotions. I pray my absence will cause you to realize how dangerous your choice is and that any separation between us doesn’t even begin to compare to being eternally separated from God.

At celebrations, I want to smile, laugh, and have tears of joy. If I attend this ceremony, none of those things would be possible. I don’t want to sit there downcast and crying tears of sadness. So, when you look out and see my absence, I want you to know that I am not sitting at home angry or in a judgmental spirit. I will be home weeping, praying, and asking God to open your eyes to your sin and bring you to repentance.

This is not because I think I’m better than you. I am as much in need of God's saving grace as you are.

I too once played in the street of sin and thought I was okay. I thought that because God’s wrath had not yet poured down on me that it never would. I mistook God’s kindness to withhold His immediate wrath as tacit approval of me. What I didn’t know was that God’s kindness to withhold His wrath, that I deserved to be immediately poured out upon me, was meant to lead me to repentance. And God loved me enough to send someone into my life to tell me the truth about my sin so that I might be saved from His coming wrath.

Someone loved me enough to confront me, help me see my sin for what it is, and share the gospel with me. They warned me of God’s coming wrath. They showed me how God sent His Son Jesus to die in my place upon the cross and pay for my sins. They told me how Jesus not only died, but He rose again from the grave and defeated death so that I could be delivered from the penalty of death that I deserved because of my sin. And they told me I needed to turn from sin and turn to Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

You’ve heard me tell you this truth since you were a child. How many times did I tuck you in and tell you of the love of Jesus and quote John 3:16?

I continue to beg you to turn from your sin and come to Jesus. Whatever perceived happiness you feel in that ceremony and the relationship you're in will be fleeting. But if you turn from your sin and come to Christ for salvation, you will receive eternal peace and joy that no one can take from you.

If you go forward with this ceremony, I won’t be in that room. But I will always love you and be longing for you to turn from sin and come to Christ for salvation. The truth is, I love you so much that I won’t lie to you, either directly or indirectly, about the dangers of playing in the street of sin. Know that I love you and will long for the day when you see my actions as being like Jesus - to seek and to save the lost.

In true loving affection,

Nana

May the Lord help us to have soft hearts of compassion and steel spines of conviction, as we follow Jesus, the Slaughtered Lamb and the Conquering Lion!

“My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” (James 5:19-20)